The finished product was astounding. She
looked absolutely beautiful. Her make up was inch perfect, and she was a vision
in her satin wedding gown. “My bonny lass,” Russell fondly called her.
She
could hear the celebratory sounds outside – the singing, laughter and dancing.
Her aunties ululated as a car drove up to the gate and joyously began hooting
to the beat of song. It was a momentous occasion indeed. Tammy was getting
married.
Tammy
continued to stare at her reflection in the mirror, but not seeing it. She was
lost in her own world – a world of stark and painful memories that threatened
to engulf her in one tidal wave… Absent-mindedly she fingered the plunging
neckline of her gown, and placing a shaking hand over her terrified heart, she
heaved a huge sigh.
Looking
down, her eye was caught by the gilt framed photograph that stood on her
dresser. A faint ghost of a smile played on her lips as her eyes misted over,
looking at the image. Russell. Sweet good-natured Russell. He’d rescued her
from a life of fear, pain and betrayal. They’d become good friends and the
relationship had naturally blossomed into love.
She
had really thought she was over Gavin. She had felt like a young girl again, safe
and happy with Russell. She’d started building her life over again, until she’d
heard the news. Gavin had remarried a year after they’d broken up, and flown
overseas with his family. He had been blessed with twin sons after the daughter
he’d had so long ago. A daughter he’d named Tamara. A child he’d had with
someone else. And here she was…. On her wedding day,still crying over Gavin and
their dead son.
Oblivious
to the fact that the tears had started flowing, Tammy got back on that painful
torturous road that had been her thoughts for the last nine years. In her
mind’s eye she saw him again. Gavin. How she had loved him so!
He
had been a fine looking young man, who’d captured her body and soul. It had
been a heady feeling – falling in love with him. She had absolutely adored him.
They had dated for barely six months before she discovered she was having his
child.
They
were so young! Their families had been outraged by their revelation, and yet
neither could keep the two apart. As the baby grew within her, Tammy
experienced a peace she had never known before in her life. She’d dreamily
paint glorious pictures of the future with her Gavin and their beautiful little
children. How they’d grow old together and watch their children excel and go
out into the world.
She’d
often sit under the shady guava tree and speak fondly to the growing mound
beneath her dress. And when Gavin came over, her happiness was complete as he
marveled at her changing body and touched her ever so tenderly.
Her
euphoria was short lived. Family relations had worsened, and in a climactic
encounter, her husband to be and her uncle exchanged harsh words, and it was
all over. Gavin had become a stranger in the twinkling of an eye, and had
coldly told her they were through. Despite her tears and pleading he had turned
his back on her, and left her life as he had entered it – in a flash and with
force.
Tammy
had been devastated. No amount of consoling could quench the pain in her heart,
nor ease the torment inside. She’d mourned her stillborn marriage with every
fibre of her being. She’d wanted to die, and each day thought she’d breathed
her last.
Still
Gavin’s child grew within her. Outwardly she blossomed and became even more
beautiful than she’d been before. Motherhood became her, so they said. She
found no delight in it all. Even Death itself shied way from her as she invited
it to engulf her, and so she lived on.
Seven
torrid months down the line, she went into labor.
It
was a difficult eighteen hours, and she became delirious as she cried out his
name. She wanted no one else but Gavin. It was a piteous sound. Her mother had
tried to calm her, applying soothing cold cloths to her feverish body but she
flung her away. She was not Gavin. She didn’t want towels, or pacifying empty
words. She wanted Gavin.
She’d
cry for him, and the echoes of her distraught calling were bone chilling.
“Gavin!
Gavin, please! Don’t leave me, Gavin! Come back! Come back!”
And
when there was no response, she’d break into heart wrenching sobs, despair
washing over her.
In
a sea of stormy despair, her life jacket would be her baby. She’d find
something to live for – someone to love her. She’d still have a part of Gavin,
who would live on in her child.
Life
wouldn’t be so kind to her. She finally brought forth her source of agony
towards the breaking of day. She tiredly waited for the baby’s cries. Nothing.
She struggled up despite the pain.
“My
baby. Can I see my baby?”
Neither
one of the nurses moved. The young doctor, with tears in her eyes, had
wordlessly come forward and taken her hand.
“I’m
sorry. Your son didn’t make it”.
It
didn’t make sense. What had happened? How? Waves of nausea swept over her as
she battled to stay calm. She needed to think; needed some air. She couldn’t
handle it and as she began to scream, a merciful darkness enveloped and
swallowed her whole.
It
had been difficult to go on. When she came to, she couldn’t stop screaming. How
could God be so merciless, twice in her young life? Barely twenty-two, she’d
lost a husband and a child. And yet the sun rose day by day, as if to mock her.
She had to go on somehow. And go on she did.
It
was a painful process, picking up the pieces. Everywhere she went she saw happy
couples and babies. She’d left a church service in tears once, when an elder
and his wife dedicated their eight-week-old son to God. Her son would have been
the exact same age.
The
pity-filled looks people gave her made her feel ashamed and rejected. She left
her neighborhood and rented out a small bed-sitter. She lost herself in work,
and began to rise through the ranks. Her job was all she had.
She
worked hard, and threw her whole heart into study. She finally graduated from
University with the degree she had stopped midway to have Gavin’s son.
She’d
met Russell there – a quiet studious intelligent young man. Russell was a
simple man from a simple background, and most women in her class did not
understand how Tammy, the intelligent voluptuous Tammy, could even spend time
with him. How could they understand her need to be with someone who wasn’t like
Gavin; who wouldn’t remind her of what she’d left behind?
So
here she was, nine years later, getting married to Russell.
She
had grown to love him in her own way; not the passionate carefree manner with
which she had loved Gavin; but a more mature restrained kind of love. She had
tried to date other men without success. She had tried to shop Gavin out of her
system; party Gavin out of her system; knit, holiday even pray him out. No use.
It was as though he had become an inseparable part of her.
She
was at a crossroads. Russell had declared his undying love for her and was
ready to make him his wife. By day she saw the rationale behind her accepting
his proposal. She had told him everything about her past; the first person
she’d really spoken to about it and wept forlornly in his arms. He had wiped
away her tears and in a voice breaking with emotion, vowed to love her more
still to compensate for her loss. She had said nothing in response, and smiled
sadly at this kind gesture. He did really love her but nothing and no one could
ever make up for her loss.
She
also knew she had to move on with her life. Fast approaching thirty-one; she
longed to mother a child of her own. She had made peace with Junior’s death and
knew she had to try again. Try again at love and life.
And
she really did want to go on. But Gavin, even in his absence, seemed to stand
between her and her happiness.
In
her dreams Gavin would visit her, and beckon to her to follow him. She’d run
after him, laughter bubbling from her heart as she pursued her elusive lost
love. She’d call his name and he’d appear, beckoning her further and further
away from all that she held dear. Then he’d stand with her on the edge of the
Earth, and push her off, and laugh mirthlessly as she screamed and fell into
unending terrifying blackness.
A
knock on the door brought her out of her reverie. Roselyn’s worried face popped
around the doorway. One look at Tammy’s face and she had shut it and hurried
forward. Tammy dabbed ineffectively at her face as Rosie came closer, with a
stern disapproving look on her face.
“Now
Tammy…” she began. “Today’s your day. You are getting married. You’ve worked
hard for this so don’t spoil it last minute.”
Getting
no response from her friend, she cupped her beautiful tear streaked face in her
hands.
“You
will go through with this, and be happy. You will close the door on the past
and move on. It’s been nine years Tammy! Nine years! Let it go and live again.
Please, if not for yourself, then for the memory of your little boy and me.
That child is a little angel now happily lying in God’s arms. God saw fit to
take him when He did. Don’t fight Him. Besides, I don’t think Junior would want
his mother to be unhappy”.
She’d
named her dead boy Gavin Junior even as he was taken away and cremated. A
picture of that terrible scene flashed across mind even then.
Roselyn
had deliberately chosen her words, knowing it would hurt. She watched Tammy
flinch. Only that could get her out of her despair. Miraculously it worked.
Rosie
held her best friend of three years in her arms as she sobbed her eyes out for
a few minutes more. When she finally quieted down, she released her and looked
tenderly in her eyes.
“Ready?
”
Tammy
nodded, turning to the mirror to repair her ruined make up.
She
had definitely made her peace with her ghosts, and would make Russell a devoted
wife. She would move on and never look back again. The past was exactly that –
the past. For now it was time to let the celebrations begin in earnest.
Lifting
her face, she cast a radiant smile upon her heavily pregnant matron of honor.
“Heaven
help me! In a few months’ time I’ll look like a bloated pork pie like someone I
know…”
She
laughed as Rosie threw her bridal bouquet at her head, ducking as it narrowly
missed her head.
“You’ll
be okay, you sod,’ Rosie shouted as she hugged her friend.
Tenderly
wiping a stray tear away, she repeated softly, “You will be okay”.
—Sandra Gudza (Zimbabwe )